The other day on Facebook a dear friend and fellow collaborator in the crazy art of acting and all things community theatre posted a comment about how a past character had once again surfaced and spoken something meaningful to his heart and while I can't completely understand his relationship, I can relate because I, too, have a character that I internalized, that not only became real, but became so because she found herself in me and I in her, where suddenly two 'became one' as it were, married to the art of getting the message across, the message of our mutual pain, weaknesses, sorrows, and also of our hopes and joys--
Yes, she was and is me as much as I am myself and playing her helped me to become more of myself. I found more healing in her than ever on the couch of a therapist's office; more freedom and ability to release and truly let go---
And today, in certain moments, say walking down a city-street at night (however cliche that may seem), I can sense her, understand her feelings of "walking the street", a sense of power mingled with shame. Yet I can know honestly why a thing like that is done, to find that momentary healing from the loneliness, to feel wanted, appreciated for something; to catch a glimpse of true love---
And yet still there is that cold, quiet ever present emptiness silenced only by the aching need of a hungry belly and fragile heart, never satisfied, and in that, I can sense her gratitude for understanding.
Some time has passed since the show ended so the ache of missing her is not as sharp, but alas it is there and for that I am grateful, for that strange form of relationship--
That, I suppose, is the pay-off for us unpaid community theatre actors/actresses (hoping someday for that paycheck), for that intense character-work and self-discovery that is the process of our art.
My friend, Peter, played the man, John Merrick, and that is his character. My friend/theatre mama, Becky, has an 19th century distinguised actress, and me, well, I'm a hooker!
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